Furrowed brow, glaring eyes, narrowed lips. Recognize this look? “I could scream I’m so angry!” sound familiar? We’ve all been there, but some of us have a harder time managing our anger. We all feel it, but how we manifest it may differ. Anger can have negative consequences if we don’t channel it appropriately. It can take control of our lives. If it is present regularly in your life, it could be a sign that your self care pillars are not balanced, and that you are struggling with some of the relationships in your life.
What’s Behind the Anger?
Anger is a basic human emotion and it is tied to our basic survival by preparing to fight when threatened. In our modern times, this can still serve us. It is usually a sign that there are factors that are affecting us negatively, it can flag conflict with the people in our lives, or it’s a reflection that the environment we find ourselves in is in direct conflict with our beliefs. Learning how to positively use anger is key to not only maintaining your cool, but to make positive changes for ourselves, our loved ones and our community.
Anger is usually accompanied with an underlying primary emotion. That emotion can be frustration, embarrassment, hurt, sadness, guilt, or fear. Unjust situations can also trigger it, and at times, these can be tied to greater causes beyond our own personal lives. For example, seeing the detrimental effects of war or witnessing the changes in the political and ecological climate that the world is currently experiencing.
Seeing Red
Anger Spectrum
Before learning coping strategies, we should address that there are different types of anger. There are differing opinions of how many types exist, so we will discuss the spectrum of anger:
- Passive – don’t let the name fool you, this is a form of subtle aggression towards others or turned against yourself. Sarcastic comments to those you are upset with, or intentionally doing something that you know will impact them negatively is a form of anger. When turned against your own self, it can manifest as panic attacks, addictive behaviours, or self-harming. Sometimes, people don’t even realize they are angry. But once they see that these behaviours are flags, they can start to identify how to cope better.
- Aggressive – this is the in-your-face kind that most people think about when talking about anger. It tends to be on the opposite end of the spectrum to passive. It is explosive. It can come out of nowhere. It often is violent and scary to witness. Depending on the severity, and/or repeated exposure, it could cause someone trauma.
- Physiological – being “hangry” (hungry and angry) is a real thing. This is a result of low blood sugar. Additionally, other chemical or hormonal imbalances in the body can also lead to anger. If your bouts are not well understood, seeing a doctor is a great first step.
Anger could look differently for different people. Knowing how yours manifests will be key to shifting your response. Some anger is in the moment, and some is long-term. When holding on to anger, it can often lead to physical conditions that deteriorate your quality of life. You need to understand your anger, the accompanying emotions, triggers, and how to resolve it.
Impact
The impact anger can have on those around you is also good for you to understand. If your kids are afraid of you because you yell all the time, this could leave a lasting impact for the rest of their lives. People who don’t deal with their anger often find themselves alone and isolated. People fear being around them, and it can create additional challenges to having healthy relationships of any kind.
Signs
Typically when people are angry, they will exhibit flared nostrils (a survival mechanism to increase oxygen intake), and their breathing gets faster. Their heart rate increases along with blood pressure. Their muscles tense (the fight response is triggered), you can see the clenched jaw and their body stance change. The face reveals intense eyes as a result of the enlarged pupils, a shift in the brow, and flushed skin. The tone of the voice changes, louder and deeper. The speed at which they speak could be faster, and even sound shaky. This is because of the surge of adrenaline pulsating through the body. The shaking is also seen in the hands and the body sweats more.
Cartoon characters often depict anger by having their heads turn red, the brow is furrowed, a growl reveals teeth, and steam comes out of their ears. Behaviour is hard to predict and can be destructive. Before turning into a hothead, try to stop yourself.
Mental Toughness for Anger Management
Reflection
The majority of research for anger management has been focused on cognitive-behavioural therapy. This helps to identify how your thoughts, feelings, and actions are tied together. It can also help identify your triggers – whether they be situations, people, or things. By knowing what those triggers are, you can then start to understand the root cause of your anger. This is best done before you have your next explosion. Recall the events of a recent blowout, what led up to the escalation? What was it that made you lose it? Go beyond the anger and see if any other emotions are creeping up in your recollection. This can help you identify ways to cope better when another situation arises. Also consider if your reaction is in proportion to the issue. Are you mixing up situations and putting the blame on one thing?
The next time you do feel angry, see if you can stop yourself for a moment before saying or doing anything. Remember the old saying of “count to ten”? There’s something to that. It’s to give you pause so you can try to identify what is triggering you, and to think of the consequences of your actions, be they verbal or physical. If it’s best to delay the discussion until you are calmer, don’t be afraid to say so and walk away. Even if the delay is momentary, you will most likely reduce the intensity and severity of your actions.
Contributing Factors
Physical pain, substance abuse, and unforeseen high-stress circumstances can all lead you to anger more easily. If any of these factors are present, being more aware of your emotions will help you identify the next attack sooner. And for those that suffer from sleep disturbances, you probably find yourself being more prone to anger too. Getting proper restorative sleep is key to managing all of our emotions, so I urge you to seek help.
Exercises to Manage Anger
Engage in exercises that can calm you. Take time outside of a burst of anger to figure which exercises work best for you. Breathing, grounding, and mindfulness are all great options. Time in nature has the incredible benefit of relaxing you, countering feelings of anger. Intense physical activity, or progressive muscle relaxation, can also help cope with feelings of anger. They also reduce stress in your life, which makes it easier to cope with your next fit. This ties back to our self care pillars, and ensuring you maintain them all in balance, helping you cope with day-to-day challenges.
Accept that anger is a part of your life, and be intentional on wanting to turn this into a positive. A behaviour change is hard, but it is worth it. It is often easier to change your mindset around anger by using affirmations. Acknowledge what is in the moment, and express how you would like to be in the future. I personally like this one: “I can’t change what’s happened, I’m ready to move on”. This is also a way to remember that anger serves a purpose, we just need to use it constructively.
Start a Conversation
The final step in dealing with anger is in expressing ourselves to others. This shows we are taking responsibility for our actions, but it also allows us to productively assert our needs to others. If someone is unaware that their behaviour is triggering you, by having a discussion, it opens the door to resolving the situation. This is also a perfect opportunity to establish boundaries. Before discussing your outburst(s) with someone, ensure that this is a relationship where you feel safe in having this type of discussion. If this puts you at risk, seek help from professionals on how to handle the situation. Having a conversation also opens the door for you to apologize if your anger has hurt them in any way or if they feel you crossed their boundaries.
How do you cool down when you get angry?
Start a log if you are continually finding yourself angry and can’t identify the root cause. Help from a licensed professional is also recommended if you are struggling to see improvements or don’t know where to begin. Anger management classes are often mocked in popular culture, but it is no laughing matter. If you need additional help, don’t be embarrassed. In fact, be proud that you are doing what you need to do to get your life back on track.
It is okay to be angry. Don’t deny it, admit it. But then learn how to manage your anger. Believe you can control it, not the other way around, and regain control of your life. Anger can be all-consuming if you let it be. Listen to your anger to see what the root cause of your troubles are and find productive ways to cope with it. Ensuring a balanced lifestyle with good self care practices is key to reducing anger in your life.
IMAGE CREDIT: Unsplash | Alexandra Mirghe.