Some people are constantly apologizing to the people they interact with. It’s a popular joke that Canadians apologize a lot, but the same is true of other cultures, and especially women across patriarchal societies. But what is also true, is that when people have suffered trauma, experience a lot of stress, or have low self-esteem, the same is true as well. Understanding why we feel the need to apologize can help us ensure that when we do it, it truly is necessary and authentic.
I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry
Sometimes we can feel like everything is our fault, and that usually is not the case. As a result, we start apologizing, and it can become the default to our communication with others. What’s even more scarier is that we also assume responsibility for things that we aren’t even involved in, because somehow we must have done something to provoke the situation. Right? Wrong.
This all stems from bigger issues that we should try to address as individuals. When life gets hectic, it’s easy to get lost in the roller coaster of day-to-day stressors. And if our self care routine is not maintained, this can be where we start to get into trouble. Once we are completely overwhelmed, it’s easy to spiral into negative self-talk, and to not see a way out. You blame yourself for others being inconvenienced, or you take on more to make others more comfortable. That is not your responsibility. Oftentimes, dynamics in families or workplaces can lead people to feel that this is how it should be, but it’s not. That doesn’t mean we don’t take the impact of our actions or words into account when dealing with other people. But it does mean knowing where the boundaries are, and what the expectations are.
The Impact Of Over-Apologizing
Impact of apologizing on you
Recognize if you are putting the needs of others ahead of your own. If you are, then you need to look at your own needs and prioritize them. Your tank needs to be full before you can help anyone else. It doesn’t work the other way around.
If you over-apologize to reduce conflict or avoid criticism, stop. Learning how to cope with conflict is key in establishing healthy relationships, in both your personal and professional life. Conflict is hard, but a reality of life. Learning to have these difficult conversations will strengthen your coping skills. It is a continuous lesson as we encounter new individuals and situations. Learning to accept criticism is also a part of life. When we learn to accept the feedback, we can learn from it. This is a good thing. It should not be taken as an attack on who you are as an individual. It should not determine your self-worth.
And lastly, we all need to feel like we belong. But if we feel that the only way we belong is by being the one that takes all the blame, that is not a good mindset to be in. You risk attributing all the negatives as your own personality traits, and then run the risk of having others see you that way too. This undermines your true identity, and it can lead to a host of other issues over time.
Impact of apologizing on others
Besides affecting your mental health, continuing your behaviour of constantly apologizing can also affect those around you. Sometimes, by taking all the blame, you feel like you are doing those in your life a service. But you are not. In fact, for relationships to be healthy, everyone involved needs to take responsibility. Furthermore, if people constantly hear you apologizing, they will develop a negative association with you. Unfortunately, your good intentions of taking the blame can also lead to others taking advantage of you in the future.
If you are prone to apologizing for everything, be weary that it can also become burdensome to those closest to you. They become frustrated because they see you being negative towards yourself and they feel helpless. Furthermore, like the boy that cried wolf, when it’s really needed, they may not believe your apology is genuine.
Looking Within
Review your self care practices. You can continuously build your toolkit to support changes to your behaviours, thoughts, and feelings. Sometimes you need to find the proper tools to build your confidence, and know that you are a valued human being. Reinforcing good connections in your life can help with your sense of belonging. Knowing how to introduce boundaries and living a balanced life to support your physical and mental well-being can also strengthen your inner self. In the long run, this will help reduce unnecessary apologies.
Additionally, several mental health conditions can lead to saying sorry all of the time. So if you recognize this in yourself and you aren’t finding you are making progress on your own, please reach out for help. A mental health professional can help you find the underlying cause. You want to address any major conditions that require treatment immediately. They can include anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, among others. Realizing you say sorry too much is the first step, the next step is doing something about it.
Phrasing
To start changing the bad habit of constantly apologizing, one of the big changes you can do is to change your phrasing. For example, if you missed an email response and the person reaches back out to you again, instead of saying sorry, you can thank them for bringing the email back to the top of your inbox. If you are late getting to dinner with your best friend, instead of apologizing, you can thank them for their patience.
Being gracious in these situations can help us see things differently. It is not an attack on you as a person when someone points out a mistake. We can show our regret in more ways than just apologizing. By acknowledging the other person, it makes it clear to them that you are not ignoring them. Knowing that our word choices can influence how others respond to a situation can help us make better choices.
Stop saying “I’m Sorry” for everything.
We all make mistakes, and it is hard to admit it when we do. A genuine apology can go a long way to repair a relationship when you have truly done something wrong. Be mindful of the role each individual plays, it’s usually not a one-way street. Save “I’m sorry” for those times when you actually did something wrong. Catch yourself if you say it too much and try to understand what the underlying cause is. It may require a behaviour change, a mindset shift, or help from a professional mental health worker.
IMAGE CREDIT: Unsplash | Mark Tulin.