Worry can impact your whole life. I’ve been a chronic worrier for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories are of me worrying about everything. My mom was a worrier, and some say it is a learned socialization behaviour. Others will go on to say I never learnt the proper coping strategies to not continuously engage in worry about one thing or another. My spouse constantly said to me, don’t worry about it. And they were right. But I couldn’t help it. It’s who I was. It was part of my identity. Until it wasn’t.
You may have Bobby McFerrin’s song lyrics in your head now after reading the article title. His 1988 release just makes you want to dance to the repetitive chant of “don’t worry…be happy”. As the lyrics state, there are always going to be challenges in life, but how we deal with those challenges is the key.
In all seriousness, a common method to approach this challenge is from cognitive psychology. Often this exercise looks at your cognitive triangle — thoughts, feelings, and behaviour. Our thoughts can change the way we feel, which can then affect how we behave. That influences what we think, and around we go in a cyclical pattern. If you don’t interrupt a negative cycle, then the consequences can be dire.
This exercise can be challenging at times to do. I find that when I have a feeling or thought that is bothering me, I jot it down. Then I try to identify the other two peaks of my triangle so that I can break the negative path and identify how I can reflect it positively.
An example of a pattern.
Situation – I have a presentation to do at work.
Thoughts – I don’t have the ability to do it. I’m worthless.
Feelings (physical response) – I am anxious and feel impending doom.
Behaviour – I struggle through the presentation even though I know the content well.
Result – I deliver a poor presentation despite having the capability to do a better job. My confidence lowers, my negative self-talk increases, I experience increased anxiety, and it eventually spills into future presentations. The cycle repeats itself and is contagious to other aspects of my life.
How can we break the pattern?
Once you’ve identified the triangle, the easiest thing to do is to change the thought. Using the example above, if you doubt your ability to do it, focus on what you do know and remind yourself. I know the material, I practiced a long time on how I was going to present the material. And I was asked to present on the topic because I am the expert on the subject in my office.
My problem before was that I continuously focused on the disaster. Thinking of every bad possible outcome but never acting on any of it. My stress would escalate and it impacted everything that I did. When I learnt to identify my triangle’s components, I was able to break my cycle. It doesn’t mean I don’t get stressed anymore, but it is less in intensity and it helps me identify what I need to focus on.
Control what you can
The main way to not worry and be happy is to not focus on what is out of your control. Life will always present challenges, big and small. Sometimes we will feel like it is pouring disaster after disaster on you. Tell yourself “What is really under my control?” and then move on. If you can’t do anything about it, why are you thinking about it and letting it affect you negatively? Possibly something might happen as a result later on, deal with that when it comes, at least allow yourself the calm before the storm.
If I’m sitting in traffic, the old me would have lost it! My heart would be pumping faster. I would yell at the car in front of me, spewing all the profanities I could muster in various languages. Now, I tell myself it’s a chance to practice my breathing. I look for a song I love on the radio and sing along to it. I get a few bonus minutes in of my favourite podcast, or I just am and take in the sights.
What does your triangle look like?
Even when we have failures or massive obstacles, focusing on the positive of the experience can help us keep the stress down. Learn from your mistakes, look for how you can improve your reaction next time you encounter something similar, and find the silver lining in every setback, there always is one.
IMAGE CREDITS: Unsplash | Cristian Castillo.