Most of us have had a reality check at some point in life when someone we elevated onto a pedestal came crashing down. There is a saying that you should never meet your heroes because you will be disappointed. The reason for that disappointment is that we realize they are not what we thought they were. We create an idealized version of that person that is unrealistic. Sometimes we elevate people who are strangers to us, such as celebrities or athletes. But let’s look at this concept in the context of people we know in real life. When we put people in our lives on pedestals, we cause ourselves harm and create unhealthy relationships.
Reasons We Elevate People
Through my own journey of building healthier relationships, I have come to realize I have put people on pedestals throughout my whole life. As kids, we often have heroes we look up to. From our movie superheroes to the adults in our lives, they are otherworldly. Why is that? Well, it comes down to them being able to do things we can’t. At a young age, it’s easy to see how this happens. Unfortunately, some people never grow out of this idealization in relationships.
We also place people on pedestals because they live a life that we want. From superstars to the successful entrepreneur, we all want some dream that is out of our reach. We may seek to have the same recognition or opportunities as that person and believe that by putting them on a pedestal, they will bring us along for the ride. But more often than not, that person may not see the same outcome in mind.
When someone exhibits a trait we lack, it is easy to see them as better than us. From there some may fixate on that one attribute and inflate that person’s ability to do it. The next step many fall into is assuming they can do everything well. But by doing so, we miss all the other things that make them who they are, flaws and all.
At times, we put people on pedestals because of a need for connection. This could be because of a misperceived importance of their role in our lives. This could stem from abandonment issues or from a lack of love in our lives. It can also be from the misconception that we are not capable of doing something for ourselves.
Pedestals Always Disintegrate
Regardless of the reason you put someone on a pedestal, you need to examine the relationship and dismantle that pedestal before it comes crashing down. Everyone that is on a pedestal will at some point disappoint you. Whether you finally see a flaw that was always there, or they do something out of character, at some point you will see that they are not the idealized person you thought they were.
By putting people on pedestals, you not only set them up for failure when they are not matching that idealized version you create in your mind, you also become disappointed when they let you down. This strain can harm the relationship forever. Furthermore, you may even realize that the relationship is one-sided, the other person does not care about you, or may only see you as a distant acquaintance. This can make you resentful and less trusting in future relationships.
The most important reason to not put others on pedestals, in my humble opinion, is because you forfeit your own needs and risk losing your identity. Putting someone on a pedestal means you create a hierarchy in the relationship that places you as an inferior. You automatically tell yourself you are not an equal to that person, and therefore, not as good. Over time, your mind widens this gap. It starts to prioritize the other person’s values and needs as being more important or relevant. By compromising what was once a big part of your identity and bypassing your needs to ensure the other person is taken care of, you subconsciously reinforce the idea that you are not worthy.
Stop Creating Pedestals
Firstly, you need to be aware of your behaviour. Through introspection of your relationships, you can begin to see how you equate yourself in the context of other people. If you see yourself as less than anyone, you most likely have created an imbalanced relationship. Consider if your view of yourself is based on what others think of you. If so, find ways to build your self-worth. You have your own unique value that you bring to all relationships, whether they be personal or professional.
Learn to set boundaries. Often, people who elevate others onto a pedestal are also givers. This means that they will go to great lengths to accommodate those people on the pedestal, and prioritize their needs over their own. This is done in the false hope that by doing so, they will gain affection, attention, or approval. This is common in relationships where there is an imbalanced power dynamic such as in a family or in the workplace. People who elevate people can also have the false belief that by pedestaling, they will never be abandoned. You see this more in familial or romantic relationships, but once again, sets you up for disappointment when the relationship doesn’t work out, or you burn out.
Embrace being human. We all have flaws, and we all make mistakes. By accepting your own imperfections, it becomes easier to see that others have them too. Once you realize that, it also makes it easier to stop comparing and judging yourself against others. This in turn makes it easier for you to push yourself into areas of discomfort where you can find growth. The better you get at this, the more you can focus on yourself and your needs, and stop worrying about what others think.
Dismantle your pedestals.
Elevating people onto pedestals is a guarantee of disappointment. By putting people on pedestals, you are making assumptions of who they are based on a very narrow story you tell yourself. It creates an unrealistic expectation that can lead to the disintegration of the relationship. We all have strengths and weaknesses. By recognizing that everyone is human, you can focus on your own unique value. Strengthen your self-worth and get comfortable being uncomfortable. Learn to build healthy relationships by setting boundaries and prioritizing your self care.
IMAGE CREDIT: Pexels | Sofya Borboris.