Judgement is toxic, and all of us encounter it in one form or another in our lifetimes. It is built into our belief systems, it is built into performance expectations, and yet it serves no good. Judgement hurts you, regardless if you are being judged or you are doing the judging. Yes, if you judge others, you are also hurting yourself.

By default, when you judge someone else, you are training your brain to focus on traits, behaviours, or statements of another individual. By doing so you create a wall between the two of you. That separation leads you to be hyper-focused on things that are different in a negative way. You create a Me versus Them mentality. At the same time, you are setting yourself apart with your own belief systems that somehow you are better. But that can backfire. If you don’t meet those expectations, you are unconsciously judging yourself. Trained professionals will argue that more often than not, being judgemental towards others is a sign of your own issues and negative self-talk.

Dissecting Judgement

We are normally our own harshest critic. Self-judgement stems when our behaviour does not align with our own expectations. Passing judgement upon ourselves is also a defence mechanism. If I am hard on myself, then others can’t hurt me. You may not even be aware that you are doing it. It is a strategy that often develops in your early years, and it serves to protect you from failure and rejection. This can also contribute to perfectionism and an increased propensity to stress.

Judgement can be both positive and negative, but both are harmful in the long-run. Positive judgements are making assumptions about behaviour that we perceive to be favourable. An example of this is assuming you have a natural talent to excel in sports. Although framed positively it may seem like a good thing, but it exposes a weakness in your view about yourself. An injury or a change in health could instantly undermine that view and cause you to spiral into stress and depression. If you had attributed prior performance to dedication and a balanced self care regimen, then when the unexpected happens, you perception does not change. It is seen as merely an obstacle that has to be overcome. It does not become a life sentence, nor does it shatter your identity.

At the core of judgement is the need to be right or better. This is not about being competitive. It is a dichotomy that you assign virtue to. This narrow view often lacks empathy, and tends to be intolerant of people who don’t hold the same values. This inevitably leads to conflict.

Why Am I Being Judged?

Some argue that judgement is a way to exert control over people with the expectation that they will change. We sometimes do it to change behaviour in our children, but the scars can last a lifetime. In the workplace we do performance evaluations to improve productivity. More often than not, instead of being constructive criticism, we face judgements in those evaluations that stem from the appraiser’s cognitive bias and/or the organization’s systemic issues.

When you are being judged by someone, don’t let it affect you negatively. You must remember that this is about them, not you. Try not to get defensive. It’s hard, but it will only exacerbate the situation. Especially if this is a work situation where it could affect your job or work relationships. We all make mistakes and we all have things that we are dealing with.

Others will also judge you because they are insecure in their own self, and the only way they feel good about themselves is by putting others down. This is awful, but unfortunately a reality that many must contend with. Reframe their judgements and if it is a safe space, call them out on their hurtful behaviour. They may not be aware they are doing it, but they need to be made aware that it is not acceptable. Make sure you make your boundaries clear to them, and if the behaviour continues, try to limit the time you spend with them (if possible).

How To Be Less Judgemental

Eliminating judgement from our lives is easier said than done. If you truly succeed, you will have a positive impact on your overall quality of life. This is an exercise that will require effort, and it will get easier in time.

Start by catching yourself each time you are passing judgement on others or yourself. Are you judging the person or their actions? Ask yourself, why am I judging them? Try to switch your state of mind to that of observer. This means taking the right and wrong out of the equation, and take the emotion out too.

Next, try to put yourself in their shoes. We can’t possibly know what everyone is going through. If you take time to get to know them, or at the very least make an informed assumption of what is happening, then you might be better able to understand why they did or said what they did.

Once you begin to uncover where your judgement(s) come from, it’s time to start dismantling some of those erroneous beliefs that make passing judgement the default. We all have biases that guide our thoughts. You can have differing opinions and different points of view on how to live life. We are all a product of our environments and our upbringing. That can also include cultural and religious differences. By asking open-ended questions, we can also increase our ability to make an informed decision based on facts not opinion.

And finally, knowing that judgement can at times be used as a crutch for low self-esteem, focus on positive changes. Build your confidence, reassess your values and relationships that you hold, and live a balanced life that prioritizes self care.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Passing judgement is something we’ve all been guilty of. Recognize that you are only human and you can also make mistakes. Aim to express less judgement and more compassion in your life. This means you try to build bridges, not walls, between yourself and others. Eliminate toxic people in your life if they are not respecting your boundaries. Listen to judgements you receive and reframe them to positively change your own behaviour. Try to view situations from more than one perspective. Listen and empathize when there are clear differences. By accepting yourself and reducing the need to be right or better, you can lead a more fulfilling and authentic life.

IMAGE CREDIT: Pexels | Alesia Kozik.