Family means different things to different people. For some, it is an unconditional source of love and support, while for others it is a source of discontentment and dread. The role of family in self care can often be overlooked, but it is one of the founding relationship structures that help us become the individuals we are today. Understanding what family can be in your self care journey will help you make decisions and improvements. Additionally, self care tools for individuals work to strengthen families too.
What Makes A Family?
Nuclear versus extended
Family structure varies from person to person, and culture to culture. At the core we have the nuclear family. This typically consists of one or two adults and children. The children could be biological to one or both parents, step children (meaning they are only biological to one parent), adopted (not biological to either parent), or a combination thereof.
I grew up in a culture that views the extended family as family. This includes the concept of the nuclear family, with the addition of the grandparents, as well as aunts and uncles with their respective children, the cousins. Having a blood connection can often be seen as a bond that ties you to your relatives forever, no matter what. It provides belonging, and it often implies the importance of cultural heritage – shared values, beliefs, and traditions.
The extended family can all live nearby or together in the same household, and they have regular interactions amongst each other. Much like nuclear families, different members of the group will have different roles, and often the different families will have their own defined spaces, even within the same household. Some refer to this as multigenerational living. We’ve seen an increase in this in recent years in Western societies with living costs going up, changing priorities, and increasingly older populations that require more care.
Chosen family
The previously discussed families all had a connection through birth or a transaction like marriage or adoption. Chosen family is different. This is a group of people that over time become important to you and you regularly rely on them for love and support. Sometimes we elect them because they are better suited to be there for us, and sometimes they just naturally evolve over shared interests or values. Sometimes we create a chosen family because we don’t have any connection to our biological family, or we have left it behind.
How Does Family Affect Self Care?
When we are born, our parents and siblings are the first individuals we interact with on a regular basis. Family is our first support system that we have in life. Some of our first heroes are family members. In a positive family environment, children are loved and nurtured. Family helps shape our views on life and the behaviours we learn. All of this leads to coping skills, healthy relationships, the ability to learn, and to feel accepted.
Unfortunately, if parents (or other adults that are raising us) are dealing with their own issues, they often are not aware that they are not giving us the basic tools to be successful adults. As a result, we then struggle to have proper self care tools, and struggle with day-to-day life. In extreme cases, this also transfers to the next generation, and the cycle is perpetuated.
Having a good family life, whether it be through blood ties or chosen, is essential to our self care. As humans we all need to feel connected to others and feel love. When we experience this, it actually improves our overall health, both physical and mental. Having a strong sense of connection also makes us have a stronger self-worth and the confidence to conquer challenges.
Prioritizing Your Loved Ones
It’s never too late to strengthen familial bonds, which in turn will help our self care journeys. Taking the needs of all family members into account, will help you strike a balance and will also help build the skills to support one another, even from a young age. Some of the tools that we use in self care for individuals can also be used to support family self care, but they are by no means exhaustive.
Quality time together
It is easy to get bogged down by commitments, review what each family member is committed to and find ways to come together regularly to have fun. Take it a step further and create your own traditions that can be a source of bonding for the rest of your lives .
Share meals together
Across cultures, sitting down to share a meal with people builds bonds, and families are no different. This supports your healthy eating habits to improve your overall health. Sharing the responsibilities and decision-making on meal preparation can also create an environment that is supportive and collaborative. Trying new recipes can also promote a healthy curiosity for new things.
Share responsibilities
By having every family member be responsible for different tasks around the home, you can divide and conquer the workload. This will prevent any one individual burning out, and it teaches children the value of teamwork.
Get moving
Find an activity that you all enjoy and participate in it regularly. Introducing exercise, even if it’s going for a walk together once a week, will reinforce healthy behaviours that support your physical and mental well-being.
Communicate
This is an ever-evolving skill that is essential to reducing conflict, and being able to support each other. By creating an environment where you can openly discuss what is happening, you strengthen your bond, you grow together, and you can set clear boundaries.
Respect, acceptance, thankfulness & appreciation
By respecting and accepting each family member for who they are, you are providing a network of safety for them to be themselves. Additionally, by recognizing their unique contributions or their accomplishments, you are reinforcing their behaviours that help them grow and believe in themselves.
Dysfunctional families are characterized by conflict, high stress, bad behaviours, and even abuse. Self care is normally not top of mind. By finding ways to support and celebrate each individual, including yourself, you can strengthen the familial bond, and support each individual on being the best version of themselves.
What does family mean to you?
Family is vital to our belonging in the world. For those fortunate to have strong familial ties, self care can be easier. But if you don’t, there is still an opportunity to improve the connection if it is not fully dysfunctional. If family gatherings are stressful and affecting your well-being, don’t be afraid to exclude yourself from them. Sometimes even family can be toxic. Establishing healthy boundaries, and communicating your needs are essential to continue the relationship. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if the task is too daunting. There are many great practitioners that specialize in family counselling. And sometimes we just grow apart, and that is okay. But always try to have some sort of family bond, you can always build a chosen family.
IMAGE CREDIT: Pexels | Chris F.