Grief can vary in cause. It could be the death of a loved one or a pet, the loss of a job, or even the end of a long-term relationship. For this article, I am focusing on the loss of a loved one, but you can experience similar feelings in those other scenarios. Death and dying are not common topics of discussion in our society. So when the time comes that someone close to us dies, it can often be difficult to deal with the range of emotions we experience. Some are confused by the feelings because they may not make sense. Others experience grief in a delayed manner. Some have rituals they follow. Despite that all of us experience loss at some point of our lives, how we process grief can vary greatly.
Stages of grief
To understand the grieving process, let’s look at the different stages you can experience. I will base it on the Kübler-Ross model which states that you go through five main emotions. Please note, this model has been used in universities to study death and dying, but there is no empirical data to support this model. I am referencing it as it is reflective of my personal experience. It gives us a basis to encompass the range of emotions that can be experienced during the loss of a loved one.
These emotions are not exclusive to grief, nor are they the only emotions you can experience. We are all different. But these stages serve as a guide to understand that grief is complicated and can manifest in different ways over time. The stages are not necessarily in any given order. In fact, you can often go back and forth over time. Anniversaries, the first of every occasion afterwards, new events like a wedding or graduation, and sometimes random things, can trigger feelings of grief: a scent, a place, an object, or a song. Over time, the intensity will lessen, but for some, the effects in some manner can last a lifetime.
1. Shock and denial
Often people may experience a numbing effect, almost like they are watching a movie, not living it. Sometimes it is an outright denial that it is happening and you look for proof that it isn’t true. This is a defence mechanism to cope with what you are not ready to deal with.
2. Anger
This stage kicks in usually after denial can’t continue. People in this phase often question why this is happening to them and look to blame someone or something. Frustration may be directed at the lost individual, others, or inwards to yourself for the things you said, did or did not do.
3. Bargaining
People that believe in a higher being may also experience “striking a deal” to change things if loss is imminent. Often you will see this when death is prolonged due to illness. You may also see this manifested as feelings of what you could have done differently to prevent the loss, “I could have, should have, would have” mentality.
4. Depression
Overwhelming sadness usually sets in once the effects on ones life are realized. Extended or sudden bursts of crying, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, lack of focus, extreme loneliness, lack of interest, all can overtake your life. It can also bring with it a reflection of one’s own mortality. This is often a period that people prefer to be alone and reflect on past memories and future memories that will never be.
5. Acceptance
Once you accept that the loss is real, and it can’t be changed, you begin to move forward. You start to notice that life starts moving forward again, and there are glimmers of hope for a better future. Mortality is accepted, both for the one that has passed, but also for yourself. Some may go as far as implementing changes to their lifestyle to try and delay a natural death as long as possible, and improve their day-to-day relationships.
Effects of Grief
Grief can impact every aspect of one’s life. It is a transition time from where we once shared a life with someone, to one where their absence is made visible. People and greeting cards often state “Time will help you heal” and to an extent it is true. Kenneth J. Doka’s article “Complicated Grief is Complicated: Grief in the DSM-5” states that “grief comes in waves that lessen in intensity and frequency over time” so in a sense yes, time does heal. But many who experience intense grief will say, there is an emptiness that never gets filled again. There is a “hole in their heart” forever. This doesn’t mean they don’t continue to function in day-to-day life, but a little spark of life may be gone.
How to move on
Accept the feelings you are experiencing and ensure you are taking care of your essential needs. This is often hard to remember during these times. One interesting effect that grief has is it’s ability to make you reflect. In an effort to hang on to the loved one that has passed, you find yourself remembering things you’d forgotten. By using reflection, you can hang on to the key moments that made the relationship special. The lessons learnt that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. And happy and not so happy memories of experiences you shared.
Some find working on those memories key to overcome the negative emotions. Journalling what they meant to you, the last words they said to you, or lessons you learnt so you can remember them in the future. Saving pictures from shared moments in a special place, so that you have them forever. Others invest in a cause on their behalf so that they metaphorically live on. Others take it as a chance to evaluate their own lives and mortality. Just like weddings make some people propose to their loved one, death can give you a reality check of how you live your life. Some will even make drastic changes, including the pursuit of what they’ve always wanted to do.
Build Your Support Team
More companies need to look at how to provide proper time off after a major loss in your life. Reach out for help from friends, family, and your community, they can provide support throughout the process. Teaching children that this is a normal part of life is also an essential part of parenting. We can often introduce the concept with pets.
If you or someone you know is having trouble returning to a normal life as a result of grief, I highly recommend reaching out for professional medical attention. There are also support groups that can help. This is a great option if you want to go outside your usual network of friends and family. It is hard sometimes to see through the haze of grief. Ultimately, you need to make the call if you are struggling to return to a normal life.
We all experience loss differently.
In the end, knowing that whatever you are feeling is normal can make a big difference in your path to overcome grief. The loss of a loved one is inevitable, but sometimes we are better equipped to deal with the loss. Other times, it just hits you harder because of the relationship you had with them. And that’s okay.
We all grieve differently and for different lengths of time. When in doubt, speak to a professional. What is clear, is that currently we don’t discuss it enough in our day-to-day lives, and we should. It is a part of the life cycle. We need to not only accept that there are cultural and religious differences on how we deal with death, there are also individual differences unique to each situation. At the core, we need to respect that each one of us will react differently each time we encounter death. No one way is right or wrong. It just is, and we all need to support and accept those differences.
IMAGE CREDIT: Unsplash | K Mitch Hodge.