Most of us struggle creating boundaries with people, both in our professional and personal lives. Learning to create healthy boundaries is essential for mental health and overall wellbeing. It can be hard at first, but understanding that it isn’t selfish to establish boundaries is the first step. Then identifying what is and what is not acceptable behaviour can help you define your boundaries. Boundaries are a direct reflection of our beliefs. By putting them in place, you reduce the internal conflict that can happen when they don’t exist.
Types Of Boundaries
Physical
There are several types of boundaries that we can look at, but I will focus on a few key ones that I found useful in my own self care journey. Physical boundaries are probably the easiest to understand. This includes physical touch, your personal space, and your physical needs. From the moment we are born, physical contact is essential for physical and psychological development.
Touch can stimulate the release of oxytocin, which makes us feel good. Oxytocin is also known as the bonding hormone. The reason we feel good is that it stimulates the release of dopamine and serotonin, while also reducing cortisol and norepinephrine which are related to stress. Touch can be as simple as holding hands or a long hug, and it can also extend into sexual intimacy.
That in and of itself can also bring a whole host of boundary setting. What do you consent to, what rules are you setting, and how will you communicate your needs. By setting physical boundaries you choose who, when, what and for how long we experience physical closeness with.
Personal
Our personal space can often be a little harder, especially in public settings. Different cultures have different amounts of space that are considered acceptable. At the end of the day it comes down to you. Your personal space is typically between a foot to a yard or more, wherever you feel you can be comfortable with friends and acquaintances. For those that are closer to you such as family, lovers and close friends, often the boundary for them is much closer to you. You can also think of that as intimate space. Complete strangers entering either of those spaces can make you feel uncomfortable. The closer they are, the more likely you are to experience a stress response. Context can sometimes influence the gravity of the response.
For example, when you go to the supermarket, you need to stand in line to get to the till, and normally, that would fall within your personal space. But if the same stranger was standing that close to you when you are out for a walk, alarm bells would be setting off your fight-or-flight response. Knowing what amount of physical space you are comfortable with for different people in your life will help you create boundaries, and speak up when you feel it is violated.
Physical Needs
When it comes to your physical needs, we often forget that putting boundaries on things we consume and the spaces we spend our time in. Having a home that you feel safe in is a big part of forming boundaries with the outside world. This creates your boundaries for healthy living. If certain foods or drinks are not good for you, eliminate them from your home to curb the temptation. Ensuring you create spaces that feel safe and conducive to relaxation will aid in the overall effectiveness of your self care routine.
Emotions
Emotional boundaries can be harder to identify, but often the most detrimental if we don’t figure it out. What are you comfortable sharing with others? Having that one person you can reach out to to ask for help in the time of need. Inversely, what types of problems are you willing to help your friends and family with? Knowing when to stay out of it for your own good can be difficult. We often have expectations that no matter what we will be there for someone, even if it hurts us. It is okay to say no, and it is okay to ask for space. A big part of establishing emotional boundaries is eliminating guilt when choosing yourself over others.
Thoughts
Mental boundaries are tied to our thoughts. When we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships at work or at home, we often spend countless hours thinking about issues. This also ties in to what behaviours we accept from others, and the communications we will accept or not. Allowing problems to take over our every moment is a direct result of not having mental boundaries in place. It can be exhausting. By knowing how your thoughts can affect your behaviour and emotions, you take control of the situation. When faced with the next situation that overtakes your thoughts, take time to think of where you draw the line and how you can remove yourself from the situation.
Time
And finally your time boundaries. This seems like an odd one, but trust me, a big one on the list to manage your self care. The time we have on any given day is not much. On average we spend more time at work if you take into account the commute. Errands and chores take up another chunk. Driving the kids around to school and their respective after-school activities, and then we try to squeeze in some sleep. Where did the day go? Start creating time boundaries by saying no to a few things that serve you no purpose. Don’t feel guilty about saying no, and don’t apologize. It’s okay to prioritize yourself. Get creative with car pooling. And schedule time for yourself, time that will be directly tied to self care.
Signs Of Missing Boundaries
A big flag that you are missing boundaries is when you are dictating your actions to meet the expectations of others. This is often at the cost of your own well-being. Often this can manifest with extreme fatigue, your relationships feel strained, and you feel completely out of control. If this has gone on for prolonged periods of time, you can be on autopilot, going through the motions day in and day out. Constantly trying to make everyone in your life happy, at work and at home, a clear sign of no boundaries. Poor communication regarding your needs is also a sign that boundaries are lacking.
Low self-esteem, neediness, fear of rejection or abandonment, can all lead to trouble setting boundaries in our professional and personal relationships. Another sign of poor boundaries is being afraid of criticism, you see it in school and in work situations. Often taking the criticism as an attack versus a note to improve on our performance, it can turn into resentment of the other person, or worse, beat ourselves up over it endlessly. Another sign of not having the right boundaries in place is oversharing. In an effort to build a connection, people can sometimes share too much too soon.
The reverse is also true, if you don’t respect other people’s boundaries, you may be manipulative, nagging, lying, or taking advantage of someone else. Healthy relationships take into consideration your own boundaries and respect those of others.
What are your boundaries?
A huge benefit to setting boundaries is improving your self-worth. Establishing boundaries is also a step in taking responsibility for our own actions and emotions. By having clear boundaries, your true self can come out. Those in your life can respect and support you more. Revisit your boundaries as they can change with new circumstances, new jobs, new friends and family coming into the picture. Holiday gatherings are notorious for invading boundaries out of a sense of obligation. Advocate for your own boundaries and respect the boundaries of those in your life, it will lead to better relationships.
IMAGE CREDIT: Unsplash | David von Diemar.