To forgive someone who has harmed you is hard, but finding it within you will help the healing process. Forgiving yourself is even harder. When you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean that you approve of what transpired, nor does it condone the behaviour. But you do control the response to the wrongdoing and the hurt associated with it. It releases the weight of the transgression that you feel daily, allowing you to move on with your life.
The Challenge Of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a difficult concept. It isn’t something people practice regularly and there are misconceptions about what it means. It is easy to avoid things we don’t understand. By learning more about how to forgive, you can decrease the negative thoughts and emotions associated with transgressions. It also helps you take agency over how you live your life.
In order to forgive, you must first understand what happened. Identify what was said or done to you. How did it make you feel? What thoughts went through your mind? Did this cascade into negative self-talk? Depending on the severity of the situation, you may need time before you can look at this stage without it causing more hurt.
To forgive someone for what they have said or done is hard because oftentimes their words or actions have hurt us deeply. Usually, the more severe the incident, the harder it is to forgive. Although an apology from the wrongdoer can make forgiveness easier, they can at times come across as insincere. And unfortunately, you don’t always get one, making it even harder to forgive the person.
Learning To Forgive
If you let the transgression take over, you can become resentful, angry, and even depressed. By identifying that reaction and understanding why it is causing you pain, you can begin to forgive. This does not mean you approve of the behaviour, nor does it mean that you somehow blame yourself for the incident. Forgiveness is even harder when we think we somehow contributed to the other person’s behaviour. Self-blame can sometimes be even more detrimental than the act itself as it can perpetuate negative beliefs about yourself.
The next step is to gain control over your response to the situation. Reframe the situation from something that was done to you, to something you experienced. Choose to not get stuck on the incident, don’t focus on the negative. Metaphorically, break the link in the chain that is holding you back. You are in control of your response, not of other people’s actions. Relinquishing the power someone else has over your thoughts and emotions can lead to greater life satisfaction.
Finding The Way Forward
You need to forgive in order to heal. Being able to forgive is a skill that is developed over time. It is not a single act, it is a process. By setting the intent to forgive, you can help yourself move past negative experiences. You can recall the incident without being overwhelmed with emotions and despair. That is because when you forgive, you don’t let the incident define you. It no longer has power over you, you have learnt to let go.
The act of forgiving requires you to be self-aware. Know yourself, your values, and how your thoughts and feelings can influence your behaviour. Identify any negative habits, patterns or triggers. If you find yourself in the same situation over and over again, or having recurring thoughts, what can you change to break the cycle?
When you forgive, you also need to be able to be objective. View the incident from other perspectives. Communicating with the other party and getting their side of the story can help resolve the matter. At times, empathy may provide insights into the other persons’ actions. It’s also the perfect opportunity to share the impact it has had on you. Understanding why the other person may have done something can also clear up misconceptions on your role in the situation. This can help you forgive them, not excuse what happened.
When you forgive someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean things go back to normal. It could be that your opinion of the other person, or how you feel about them may change. It may also be the time to make hard decisions. Does this person need to be in your life? Do you need to reinforce your boundaries?
Forgive Yourself Too
The ability to forgive also extends to yourself. We are often harder on ourselves than we are on others. Being able to forgive yourself for your mistakes and owning up to them is a huge indicator on your ability to forgive others. Plus it is a sign of someone who is working to be their best self and accepting all of you.
When we experience feelings of shame or guilt, we need to find ways to move forward. Forgiveness is often harder when it’s the person staring back at you in the mirror. You can truly forgive yourself only when you are ready to reframe your feelings, thoughts, and behaviours in relation to an incident. Eliminate judgement about yourself. It is about committing to necessary changes, breaking bad habits, and being accountable to yourself and others. Know how to apologize when you’ve done something wrong. Seek to be your best self each day. It’s about accepting yourself for who you are.
Forgive to free yourself.
Sometimes people like to hold on to a grudge. At times that is because they like the attention they get when they share the story with others. And sometimes, it is easier to feel sorry for yourself than it is to do the hard work. If this is why you are unable to forgive, you may need to work on your self-worth and be accountable to yourself for staying in negative feedback loops. Forgive yourself for this behaviour too, you most likely developed it as a coping mechanism earlier in life, it’s never too late to change this behaviour. If you struggle with forgiveness, don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional mental health worker to help get you on the right path.
Learning to forgive can be difficult, but essential when putting your own self care top of mind. Forgiving others and yourself allows you to deal with the overwhelming feelings and thoughts associated with an incident. It allows you to face the situation, acknowledge what transpired, and accept it for what it was, one experience. To forgive opens the door for control over your role in your own life. Forgiveness turns your intent for a better life into a tangible reality. It teaches you to not live in the past, and to reframe your perspective. You grow as an individual, and you can adapt to changing circumstances.
IMAGE CREDIT: Unsplash | Marquise de Photographie.